the pain

i try not to think of it. because if i do, it swallows me; the hole of darkness covers me, the sound of silence surrounds me. It fits in every corner of my eyes reach. No one listens. No one cares, and if they do ..

it doesn't even matter

the pain will go away eventually, it always does. but like a boomerang it always comes back. i have a never ending source of pain. It swallows me. this gut wrenching, soul shattering silence surrounds me. the more i try to fight the more it wins.

i give in

i give up

yet it doesn't feel satisfied. this hole of darkness this hole of unbearable pain is never full, its always empty. It never seems grateful for what I've sacrificed for its selfish greed. It just begs for me to give up myself. 

I can't

I would rather be surrounded by silence,and covered with darkness before i truly give in. With every effort it takes of my soul, i can never truly

                                                                             give in

 or  

give up

I have to fight,

what will happen if I give up?

  surely death. 

They say to take baby steps.
You have to learn to walk before you can run.
 

I don't want to run. I want to fly.  I want to soar. To fly away from the amount of guilt resting on me. I want to jump away from the expectations of all that you want from me. I wan to be me. I want to fly away from the desire, the lust, the need. I don't want to sit here,..

Of course I can't fly. Instead I fall. into a spiral of desire. 

Lust.......               Love.....                    Life....                 Death....                  Click....

How strange the innocence around me is. How naive and wonderful it seems. To not be burdened with the weight of words. The grief of a struggle.

I WANT TO BE HEARD.

I WANT TO SCREAM TO SHOUT.

TO CRY.

I WANT TO FLY. AWAY FROM HERE.

I WANT TO FLY ! ANYWHERE!

I JUST WANT TO BE FREE.

OH GOD HELP!

HELP ME PLEASE..

Of course no one hears me,

 Oh how strange... oh how strange the innocence of sound  is thrust upon me.

Heaven

Music is my life. It's the glue that holds me together when I begin to fall apart. It's the words that are so full and strong of expression and feeling that are sung out loud. Songs are the life in my soul that help lift me out of the hole I seem to have become. The words of songs are the light that seem to lead me into having faith. Without music I wouldn't be here. I would be so far in myself I would have no where to go. Music is never judging, never hating. Music is loving and kind, it's the balm to soothe my broken heart, My broken spirits. 

It seems to be the answer to my problems. 

I am an empty shell.

Lost in the sea of love

Never forgotten.

Never sure

In the dark ,

the honest stay pure

Light seeks out silence

who in returns emits fear

Touches are hard.

Laughs are quiet

Life will never be the same.

Selfishness

Reality comes and , That bitch hurts. 

She doesn't come to ease upon you she comes with a vengeance to destroy. She swoops upon you like the fucking king of darkness.  When we cry we always expect a certain  someone to be there. 

Someone to help us from hurting ourselves. 

Someone to help us get back on our feet.

 But when  the doors close on those people, we meet reluctance and fear. These two never give up and are the devils on your shoulders, egging you onto the road you know you shouldn't take.

It's alluring. 

Peaceful.

 Full of fields you can frolic to your hearts fucking desire.

  All the songs talk about how they need you so much and how they realize they can't live without you. Yet do they ever care to think about the other persons feelings and how they might not have wanted it to end?


No

 The person is so fucking selfish that they cant see that they lost the chance of a true friend. People are so fucking un-happy because they realize 

what they have when its gone. 

They finally remember the importance of having someone to count on , someone to comfort them. But when they do realize it, then they come to the thought that they didn't need the person at all. They needed the thought of the person. They needed the one they thought that was going to be there,the one inside their head saying " I'll always be there for you." " WE will ALWAYS be together."

what a big fucking lie. 

to both parties.

I shouldn't be here.

I really fucking hate them!

I should just give up sometimes...

I no longer love trust him.

I'm not talking about one of those guys who always seem to break my heart/ I'm talking about the one I was in before I knew myself, the one who grossly carried me until I found my way here. He has finally for the last time betrayed my trust and my love. He can't come back from this anymore. The damage is done. This SHIT only happens in the fucking books and movies. Why does it have to happen to me? Why do I find out from someone that's not him. It seems again that reality has in fact come to bite me in the ass and attack my spirts. Suicide has no life for me, yet Living doesn't either. My hole is coming back to swallow me up, attacking me with the force of despair and pain. I can't  won't  let this continue to break me. I had to draw the final line in crossing me. There is only so much that I can put myself out there before saying '' fine world you win''. I always said that would never happen that I would remain strong no matter what...

Lets Have Faith?

It feels like everything that I every wanted,everything that I ever had is going to disappear....what if things do? I mean its not like the things I love and the things I want ever stay with me. They all  though some are longer and some are quicker disappear from me, which is just reality's way of saying " hey bitch just thought you should know I'm still here and im gonna fuck you up."  I dont want to give up but there doesn't seem to be a point in fighting anyway. Everything I do im terrified to , putting my faith in something but ultimately knowing that life will just knock me down isn't something that makes me want to jump into it.

Sometimes I just want to sink.

Hoping

Its like none of you even ever existed. You were all just a part of my mind, a figment to ease some of the burdens. I've lost the glue that holds me still and strong. I've been fighting to reach the top of my mountain but it seems impossible every little thing seems to phase me, as much as i try to not let it get the best of me i cant help but do the latter. it seems like whenever I want to hold onto something to keep it close and safe, it chooses to go away,and then when i don't want something its a burr in my sock that forever holds onto me. I can only take but so much and my limit hasn't been reached but at the same time i don't want to have tested my limit. 

Who knows what I'll really do then?