Just think

Nothing last forever. Not good times or memories or thoughts. They may last in your mind but they don't last in the real world forever, the world moves on with time and space. We all travel at different roads and nothing is always going to stay the same. We have to be thankful of the days that we have in  this world and make them all count because we never know when our last day is.

No hope

It seems that every time I try to find something that makes me happy something that i think i can call my own it gets taken away told its dangerous told im nothing always am nothing never will be anything . I'm told that things that are bad that happen to me are good that I have no right to anything good. it seems like to no avail is there hope. There is no hope for me,no not because  im bad but because I'm by myself.. does that make me a bad person for not wanting to be alone. It's not like i want to be but thats the way it is because being alone is just a way of me not getting hurt....but alas it doesn't work.. I really dont see my purpose in this world if i all have is music and loneliness and you blog. I feel so alone it's horrible it's thousand's of rocks crushing me every time i try to fight free. It's the tide coming back to pull me under. JOY.

Fate

 He's the one. I know it.

A change of heart...

Make a wish it's 1:23.. not that it ever comes true.

Lesson Number 2

today's lesson is simple. You can't always get what you want and you can't always fix what's broken.
 In life everyone has problems, but we always try to fix what we know is broken. We get upset at the fact that we can't always fix things that we want the most in that one time of our life. We will try and fix it so that we don't have regret ,so that we don't have that guilt or in some times have thoughts haunt us. Then there are the times when we admit the past and instead of trying to fix the issue at hand, we ignore it or try to suffocate it with memories of the future,we cloud our mind with things that don't matter but that will close up the empty space. Today I learned that trying to patch up old friendship's or trying to say sorry isn't always an easy process it takes time strength courage and more than enough patience. We have to sometimes accept the past for what it is and brace ourselves for the future....and for whatever comes are way.

Mistakes

When we were little arr parents always use to say corny things like be careful what you wish for, don't eat cookies before dinner,treat your friends nicely, and you'll always learn from your mistakes. You would think that having that hammered in your life you would know that it's either good or bad. But when you face it for yourself for that first time you don'[t really realize it that your doing something wrong or that you should try and fix it. You only just realize those special times and memories when there gone. You realize that you should have to be more careful with what you say how you make people feel and how you would like to be treated. You always say that things would never happen to you because your to special or too cool or other bull shit like that but it's a lie. Everything and anything can happen to ANYBODY it's not like the jealous bug goes around saying hmmm...who'd friendship should I break up today...?? and if their is please tell me because I'm going TO KICK THEIR ASS. In short today's lesson learned: don't except that your exempt from anything because when you do it'll happen to you.

The HIGHS and lows

I can't seem to wrap my head around things or for that matter get things out my head. I don't seem to be able to get him out my head my heart my mind my thoughts my dreams nothing. Everywhere I go he seems to follow me EVERYWHERE I'm not sure if this is love or obsession. I'm not sure what i feel at the moment I'm so confused , i want him around and then I don't I yearn for his touch and then I cringe at it, i love his voice and then hate the tone. I'm so confused that I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I love him and then I hate him.

The Roller Coaster

 One minute I feel like climbing a mountain,and the next I feel like I just fell down a cliff. I feel like crying sometimes...and then a moment later I wanna jump for joy! I'm not sure if this is in my head ( OH GOD am I crazy???) I never let all the tears come out only slither and drops....never full blown. Yet when I want the tears to come they never do. Why do I just want to drop out a window,why do I have to feel like this?,why  am I the blunt, The black sheep ,the crazy person in the family? Why can't I just be normal like everyone else and just relaxed and not stressed and tensed and hunched over all the time? why can't I just be the person I want to be and not the person that I am?? IT'S NOT FAIR!
.................................................. It's only fair that I feel his love <3...............................................................

It's not fair that I love him and that I don't know if he loves me back. Its not fair that I have to suffer this heavy burden on my back while  he walks free it's not fair I had to grow up with out him.... without his guidance with out his love and his care. It's not fair that I have problems IT's not fair that I'm obsessed with my weight nut I'm scared to throw up. It's scary how I feel these things and only have people who don't take me seriously to tell them too. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!

This feeling of Love

To feel like this after so many weeks have gone by with nothing but a little low but somewhat high. Right now the moment sucks, wishing that I could just be free to feel and not have to worry about getting hurt. to learn to just get away with how I feel about him and to be open to Lovve  <3 that come from other people except ...that I can't I'm trapped keeping myself closed like a clam shell so that no one can touch the precious Jewel inside. i'm keeping myself  safe so that HE can have it and NO ONE else can! But of course I want to be free from him. This entry is more of a scattered thoughts then it really is a day.n It's how I feel bout him because truthfully. I'm still in love with him.

....

listening to songs and talking to friends with so many new things I should be happy right? I'm not not that I'm selfish or stuck up or anything I'm happy i have these things but im so lonely. It's like the whole in my chest seems to grow bigger every day no matter how much love and happiness it just seems to get bigger..and one day I'm not going to have the energy to fight it. I'm just going to let it overpower me and attack me. To swoop me like the ocean does the sand ,how a tiger does it's prey. I'm going to embrace it.

  That day is soon.

very.

Why bother?

Why bother trying to make new year promises...only to know that their not going to come true? Why bother trying to tell yourself  postive things when the negavtive seems to outweight the bad? Why bother telling your self not to wait when you know you'll never get it done? Why bother have people tell you things that make you feel worse when their trying to make you feel better? Why bother trying to smile when you want to cry? Why telling yourself to wait.....when you know it'll never happen? why bother?To make yourself feel good,to make yourself feel bad,sad,glad,mad,happy? Why bother getting your heart ripped out when your trying to find something that will make it all better again? Why bother?

I can never win

It seems like no matter how hard I try i can't seem to please anyone. If i love one I have to hate the other... Why can't they just grow up and stop being big babies.. Why does it always make it out like their about to kill each other when really they just don't know what the hell to do with themselves. Now I only know two parts of the whole story and to be quite frank I don't give a shit about the rest because I'm tired of it. Why can't they just grow up? Now readers I ask you : What would you do? Two people who were in love one turned deadly and the other naggy..now that's marriage for you but still.... What would you do to fix the promblem? Would you ignore it,Turn to the other side? Or just throw your arms up and scream FUCK THIS SHIT!! becasue thats what I'm on the verge of doing.