Grape juice looks like wine....

It's background music for the soul....

It helps you conquer the world. You seem to flow

It's like sex with only words and feelings something only you can feel.  A place where no one but you can feel. it makes you feel alive. It sparks life in you that no one else could. Life. It works in funny ways. It always throws surprises. Life doesn't make sense. My thoughts they jumble together like blind people with no cane, no walking dog. No help. my thoughts are alone,lost,worried.  Thoughts can fend for themselves. They can fight with you until you forget them, or make them happen. Thoughts and music go together like peanut butter and jelly. White on rice. Hot sauce on chicken. 

Some things are just meant to be. 

Thought on my mind.

Were we supposed to be?

Apple Juice looks like piss

I am so fed up at this point that its not even funny anymore. Whats the point of life if its a blank meaningless thing? Why do we wake up everyday to do the same things and feel the same ways if we already know? Why cant we just decide to change our lives one day with out helping someone rise from the dead,or make a cure for cancer,or some drastic shit like that. Why cant for once I have a fucking day. When are my good days coming? No offense but I'm tired of always feeling dead on the inside while I listen to other peoples problems. How come you cant just ask me what wrong? Is something wrong with me? Am I too bitter for you? Do you just want naive sluts in your life? What the bloody hell do you want? Sorry if I'm not in that certain area that you just have to have... Well I'm not really sorry but still.

I should act like it right?

When you laugh.
I cry
I love your glory,your strength,your fear.
I love your truth.
I love your hurt. 

Just a test?

Its amazing how fast time flows. 

How fast YOU can forget things.....

 that will be etched forever in my mind.

Juice.

i don't know how many times that I've hit the point of no return. How many times i said i was done and then dove in for more. How many times have I shed just a single tear? How many more times will i? I don't understand how people in way back did it. I can see why people killed themselves, it was the easy way,the peaceful way,the stress-less way. For me it would be defeat,even though I would be dead my pride would be alive,it would be wounded. Like what you did to me. How many guys have said the same thing,done the same thing,left the same way? Maybe it is my fault. I could handle that. I will not handle being hurt again. I want this next one to be a long way from here. Let lust be lost. Pain be conquered/ Love be let go. breathes be breathed. Words would flow. I want things the be the way they use to be, when i didn't give a damn about things. I would just flow. I would change like morning does day. Day does night. How seasons change slow and come back quick.

 I just want to be me again. Is that too much to ask?

Your nickle was cheap, it broke

If everyday was your last, how would you live it?
Me?
I would stuff fate and believing that life could have been better. Missing the what haves and what could have been's. I could spend time thinking about fate, how it screwed me over. Yelling at karma for never doing good all the things i did,and having them amount to nothing but suffering.

But then...

I would be happy, why would I want to live like this in the beginning?
Why would I want to put my self in suffering and trying to survive again?
Shouldn't I be happy that life isn't hard anymore? That  I wont have to fight to do simple things?
That I wont have to hide how I feel about my self? What about the fact that I could accept that finally your a border to overcome?
So yesterday was my last day of living.... living for you and all these things that have amounted and I (ashamedly) let happen because of you.

Today is a new day.

 A new life. 

A fresh start.

 A day with out you in my memory.

Am I finally Normal?

I don't know wheter to be mad or confused....

I want to be normal so that i can finally accept that I am. But then I don't want to admit the defeat that I would feel in myself. Its a constant never ending tear jerking battle between my mind and my heart. They both want different things when I myself don't know what I want. In my world (WONDERLAND) I never have to worry about things like this because they never happen, but because I'm not in my world they do happen and it seems that they happen to me a lot, which SUCKS. I know that today I'm rambling but I have to make myself busy so that im not thinking about him ....or him....or the other him. Guys right now should be furthest from my mind considering I have about three 400+ word papers due next week but whatever . I don't know if i should accept defeat. I really dont and to be im starting not care.... 

I keep thinking of him :)