Standing in the dark
Pretend not to care
Why go though lies
 conduct the truth to be honest
be yourself.
pretend not to care
turn your pain into passion'
be swallowed into the darkness you call life
strive to excel with out me
try to become the person you say
 I held back
still think of me?
still think of the memories?
still think of all the times we had.
we're closer than ever and yet
 we're so far apart..

I admit...

is this how you wanted it to be?
                 OR
did things just get out of hand?
did you really do all this just for a touch
a kiss?
a feeling?
was it worth...
 two peas in a pod
lost to each other
but then you werent true
you left
 I admit
I need you 
I wish you were here to talk to
no one else understands
then agaian i try to make them not
because I invested in you.
Not only my time
But my true self

There isn't a chance.

Forget what you see

remember how you felt

dance in the rain

touch all you felt

love while you can

Touch all the memories spark all the joy. remember the feelings before he goes to 

Destroy.

I will always be your friend

So this is why

We don't talk anymore

I don't know why I even care

Cause I'm never really there....

I'm sure he must be a real nice guy

He still lied ....

La Da La

Times running out.

lies so close

hearts so far

run

run now

run now and fast

dont let the lies get you.

lets the lies suubside

let the feelings slide

let the feelings slide and die

Run away

Just Friends?

Getting my wishes hasn't been the best.
Holding my breath and waiting for the best.
Sighing with sorrow hold the rest.
vacate the seats leave the home.
Suffocate the air poison the rest.
Leave me until i know im at my best.
Beg me to stay abandon the rest.
Fall asleep remind me, is this the slow symphony.
Dance to the death.
Finish to the start
glow for the best
kill the rest.
Sleep alone on the phone.
 Will we be backwards?

Hold me?

Titles are for tears

Let's see how this plays out...

if it doesn't then we'll know

that we weren't meant to be

I'll raise my hands in surrender

yet I'll go home and cry

please

don't beg me..

make me believe.

Dreaming for....

I had a dream about you,and when I woke up I saw your face. Instead of feeling sad I felt....well normal. I haven't thought of you in so long. I haven't realized that all this time I was still looking for me, the me that you took when you left. In my dream you were so beautiful. I know it was a dream but inside it was so real. It was so real. I felt like I was in another life somewhere where we finally found each other. I feel like we finally split. That we are own people. You told me to be strong. I've been strong for to long. Tonight I will be weak. For once I'm going to give up and just stop.

Piece it all together now:
Because I sell myself short every time
Oh, how you became my life
You took me in before I could back out
Well I still have faith

Because I sell myself short every time
Oh, how you became my life
You took me in before I could back out
Fear, couldn't place its hands on us my dear
My pride has dropped

Erasing all the stains, so here's to starting over

I'm Free

Questions anyone?

If  I was to :
Write a song about you... what would it say? 
What would it mean? 
If i was to create a dance for you... What would be my passion? 
What would be my flame? 
Could I mask all the hurt and all of the pain? 
If I could write a book.... How would it go?
 How would it end? What would it say? 
What do you think of the choices above? 
Which would you choose for the one that you love?
 Would you think about me if you chose any of these? 
Would you think of another,and picture their face?

Or would you think of me,

and of all that we missed?

Grape juice looks like wine....

It's background music for the soul....

It helps you conquer the world. You seem to flow

It's like sex with only words and feelings something only you can feel.  A place where no one but you can feel. it makes you feel alive. It sparks life in you that no one else could. Life. It works in funny ways. It always throws surprises. Life doesn't make sense. My thoughts they jumble together like blind people with no cane, no walking dog. No help. my thoughts are alone,lost,worried.  Thoughts can fend for themselves. They can fight with you until you forget them, or make them happen. Thoughts and music go together like peanut butter and jelly. White on rice. Hot sauce on chicken. 

Some things are just meant to be. 

Thought on my mind.

Were we supposed to be?

Apple Juice looks like piss

I am so fed up at this point that its not even funny anymore. Whats the point of life if its a blank meaningless thing? Why do we wake up everyday to do the same things and feel the same ways if we already know? Why cant we just decide to change our lives one day with out helping someone rise from the dead,or make a cure for cancer,or some drastic shit like that. Why cant for once I have a fucking day. When are my good days coming? No offense but I'm tired of always feeling dead on the inside while I listen to other peoples problems. How come you cant just ask me what wrong? Is something wrong with me? Am I too bitter for you? Do you just want naive sluts in your life? What the bloody hell do you want? Sorry if I'm not in that certain area that you just have to have... Well I'm not really sorry but still.

I should act like it right?

When you laugh.
I cry
I love your glory,your strength,your fear.
I love your truth.
I love your hurt. 

Just a test?

Its amazing how fast time flows. 

How fast YOU can forget things.....

 that will be etched forever in my mind.

Juice.

i don't know how many times that I've hit the point of no return. How many times i said i was done and then dove in for more. How many times have I shed just a single tear? How many more times will i? I don't understand how people in way back did it. I can see why people killed themselves, it was the easy way,the peaceful way,the stress-less way. For me it would be defeat,even though I would be dead my pride would be alive,it would be wounded. Like what you did to me. How many guys have said the same thing,done the same thing,left the same way? Maybe it is my fault. I could handle that. I will not handle being hurt again. I want this next one to be a long way from here. Let lust be lost. Pain be conquered/ Love be let go. breathes be breathed. Words would flow. I want things the be the way they use to be, when i didn't give a damn about things. I would just flow. I would change like morning does day. Day does night. How seasons change slow and come back quick.

 I just want to be me again. Is that too much to ask?

Your nickle was cheap, it broke

If everyday was your last, how would you live it?
Me?
I would stuff fate and believing that life could have been better. Missing the what haves and what could have been's. I could spend time thinking about fate, how it screwed me over. Yelling at karma for never doing good all the things i did,and having them amount to nothing but suffering.

But then...

I would be happy, why would I want to live like this in the beginning?
Why would I want to put my self in suffering and trying to survive again?
Shouldn't I be happy that life isn't hard anymore? That  I wont have to fight to do simple things?
That I wont have to hide how I feel about my self? What about the fact that I could accept that finally your a border to overcome?
So yesterday was my last day of living.... living for you and all these things that have amounted and I (ashamedly) let happen because of you.

Today is a new day.

 A new life. 

A fresh start.

 A day with out you in my memory.

Am I finally Normal?

I don't know wheter to be mad or confused....

I want to be normal so that i can finally accept that I am. But then I don't want to admit the defeat that I would feel in myself. Its a constant never ending tear jerking battle between my mind and my heart. They both want different things when I myself don't know what I want. In my world (WONDERLAND) I never have to worry about things like this because they never happen, but because I'm not in my world they do happen and it seems that they happen to me a lot, which SUCKS. I know that today I'm rambling but I have to make myself busy so that im not thinking about him ....or him....or the other him. Guys right now should be furthest from my mind considering I have about three 400+ word papers due next week but whatever . I don't know if i should accept defeat. I really dont and to be im starting not care.... 

I keep thinking of him :)

I'm cleaning my hands.

If I showed you how I felt would you care? I feel so lost at times so lonely. I feel so angry. No furious. I want to be loved, to be held, to be cared for. not ridiculed not made fun of for being different. For once I want people to like me for me , not for what i wear, or how i talk,or what i said, or what I did. I want to be accepted but first you have to accept that I'm not going to change. I'm going to be me no matter where and no matter what. If you don't like that then you don't have to talk to me. You don't have to like it for all i care you can hate it ,but you have to respect it. I respect you don't i? I care enough to let you do what you need to do. Don't I?  I just want to be loved to be felt for, to be cared, I yearn for some type of love that isn't family related or friend related I want you to care because you care for me... No One seems to understand that. You don't try and get why I feel that way. I don't feel safe in my own skin... I cant be. I try OH GOD KNOWS HOW I TRY!!! But it never works out,when I bust out my shell you push me back in. I feel like a turtle slowly edging my way out only to be scared by some unseen force and being pushed back in wheter it be by you or by me. It happens. I don't blame you.I can be a handful I can be a tough pill to sallow. But that's ME. I cant change that , I don't want to.

The only thing I want is to be loved.

When all is lost

give it up.

It's better to think.

then to know.

I don't know what to do anymore....

If we could do things over.
 Would we change anything?
Would you still walk me home?
Would you hold my hand?
Would you give me your hoodie while we walk in the rain?
Would we kiss on the log with the sunset behind us?
Would we forgive ourselves for being so stupid,so lost in lust in the denial of future and the fear of becoming what we didn't want to do?
Could we survive what if we had done the unthinkable?
Could we recover from it? Could we love? Would it be strong? Would we feel safe?
Or would we be trapped forever in a seam of long lost lust and love?

Can we do things over?

Could we start at the beginning?

Could we make each other happy?

I've never danced on the edge.
I've jumped from it.
I've never heard the sound of a ghost.
I became one.
I might be beyond what you think .
I'm just me.

I haven't lost my mind

You destroyed it.

With love.

therapy

Does life ever work out the way that I plan. Will it ever? Will the release of steady flow of pain ever lift off? Will the days become light. It seems as though I can never win. Blasting music is my only friend,my friend, my forever and ever soul mate. I can't seem to relate to anything. It seems that when I want to open up... I just get shut right off. I wanna cry but I gotta be strong. The blood never seems to flow,it never seems to end either. It's my only release, my only form of hope. I can't get enough of .....this horrible ''hunger of hatred''. I have to stay strong, I can't cry, I can't fail,I can't be weak.

But I am anyway and

 the tears well they do too.

This passion is crazy. 

It's like a fire that just won't go out. A light that should have burned out.

Your the water that I so badly need. Your the answer to quenching my thirst.

Yet you find fun in dehydrating me,in making me dry and cold. making me shrivel like a grape. 

Your destroying me ...we both know it,yet we both need it.

This passion it's mind blowing,sense tingling,heart stopping,relax driven,bulletproof,

It's Real.

You just haven't noticed it yet.

I..think...Forever?

 You: If I asked would you stay?
 Me: why did you do this to me? 
 Me: Why did you tarnish my dreams?
You: How the hell did you ever pick me,
Me:Honestly, I could sing you a song,
But I don't think words can express our beauty,
I fell in love from the moment we kissed,
Since then we've been history

 I can't forget you.  I know that now.Your going to be the mistake I'll tell me kids about , the lesson I learned....and the love that I was always love to regret.

They say that love is forever,

Your forever is all that I need,

Please stay forever with me,

please. please. please. please.

 stop lying.

Will you save me.

Who the hell are you?!

Dear Heart,

Shut the fuck up. You think you have it hard you don't go through the feelings. You don't see the love they give me. The love that they should. You don't hear the people with their he's to good for you or he's a dumb ass for this a dumb ass for that. You don't feel the pain that I do. You don't got through the pain that they can attack on you. They just use you. They just play you. They just hate me. scratch that.

They hate us.

“Anger is only a natural reaction; one of the mind's ways of reacting to things that it percieves to be wrong. While anger can sometimes lead people to do shocking things,it can also be an instinct to show people that something isn't right.”

Pissed off,crying,sad,depressed, and suicidal,
your owner.

Fuck All of You

Dear Owner,

Fuck you . your a selfish heartless bitch who deserves to die. You cause me to think in things that would never happen. you make me feel warm and happy when your tricking me,you forget to tell me things that are important. You deceive me. I'm so tired of being hurt you need to just die. You need to crawl in a corner. I'm tired of breaking,of squeezing the last of my love and my all into cracks that are endless. I need you to promise me not to think of things like that anymore. I want you to try. TRY your hardest. I know your not perfect but please I can't take this pain. please

I Knew it was to good to be true,
 Your heart.

When I think of something to say. I pause. I relax. I breathe.
When you think of something to say. You pause. You think. You attack. You anger.
You make me hungry with desire. I brace you. You escape me.
I capture. You flee.
I draw blood. You run from it.
I thirst for you. You drown in me.
I love you. You run.
Welcome to the Selfish Machine.

Do you think you're the only one afraid of this machine?

Second chances won't leave you alone
Then there's faith in love
He was always the one
No such thing as too young

I can't love you anymore. I found my second chance. I've found my life raft. I've found the branch to hold onto. I've found life again. I have to give you up as many times as I've said this I think I found you a friend. Maybe he'll become the next you.... but for now. I've found my second chance.

<3

Love is just a thought in our heads. 

Wonderland

I'm in a place where I can be free. Where I dont have to fear judgement from anyone. Where I can cry and no one can hear. Where night is always safer,the dark is a friend, and life is great.

Are we losing or beginning

To try a new life without you?

  But I couldn't let you go no, I'd never let you go my dear 

So keep talking 'cause I love to hear your voice

Another girl without a sharper knife...

</3

Don't bother cause this love is a lie 

Hopelessness

What does it feel to have someone say I love you? Does it make you feel happy? Do you glow with pride,with satisfaction of the fact that you finally have someone? or Do you feel lost,lonely,sad. Due to the fact that your scared you may lose them? Do you turn bitter? Do you give up? What do you do? What can you do. How can you react. Why? Do you wish they didn't? Do you wish someone else loved you?

Ima bitch ima monster
Yes Ima beast and I feast when I conquer
But I'm alone on my throne, all these witches
I came this way all this way just to say

I give up.

Love?

 To have you love me was the best.
To have you hurt me was the worst.
To have you hold me was the middle.
To have you leave me....

killed me

Human nature is like loving....but why can we not? Why do you make me feel such hatred and in pain? WHY can't we love you used to but now you just reduce me to tears. Just like you said....

Why do I do you that way?

Because it's human nature.

</3

i see you stare from far away i see you glance that one long stare I yearn to hear your voice- please speak i yearn to have all the love you keep I feel your presence in  the air. Your mind and soul are so conflicted that the love inside stays inflicted.these wounds you leave are my battle scars to remember the love we had but we sadly let fall.

Are you there?

Are you there,because i need you . I need you to wrap me in your arms,to tell me that you love me, to keep me safe at night, to kill all the spiders, to whisper sweet nothings in my ear,to never say goodbye. Are you there because i need you. At this moment please drop everything so that i can have you all to myself. Are you there? Please be. I need you.

Loving you was harmful to my health

Finding another to take your place was miserable

Keeping you in my memory is peaceful

But the loneliness is intolerable 

To try and run from yourself is impossible. To try and learn from yourself is eventful and to try and forget someone else is probable. I can't think of another way to patch myself up other then to try and feel something. If that's how I feel then so be it. I won't blame it on you but then I won't be to easy to say it wasn't ALL you. You still added to the fact of what happened and for that I give you a drop in solute.

I'm gonna paint a picture

A picture with a twist

I'll draw it with a razor 

I'll draw it on my wrist

And as I draw this picture

a fountain will appear

as this fountain flows

the sadness disappears

Flying

I'm going to fly away from you....

Let's take a chance. Let's not think about yesterday's issues. Let's make them work for their money. Let's show them that their wrong forever and always we can just think about us not  worrying about words that were in the past.

Do you see my wings fly away?
       No?
 Good because I'm taking a chance. 

Trying to Love

It seems like trying to love is not a reason to find love. I try so hard to forget you and just find love in another place that doesn't remind me of you. I try so hard every day to say that today is a new day that will start fresh with you in the past and you stay there. But each day the pressing feeling seems to get bigger and bigger colliding with surrounding emotions of love and pain eloping my soul leaving all of the pain together. It's like the memories of you don't want to be forgotten they just want to be alive like my heart has only space for you. I WANT TO NOT THINK OF YOU when I see a boy. but as always it doesn't happen.

I dont know why I still miss you. I don't know why I can't get over you.
I want you to know that I don't like this feeling. I want you to know that i'm not sorry.
I wish you knew how bad you hurt me. I wish you knew that your sorry wasn't enough.
You caused me to lose my friendship. You caused me to feel the hate,the pain,the anger,the unsureness.
I hate you and I love you. Your my yes and my no.




<3

Turn this Place Apart

I'm waiting for you. Ever so patiently wondering when that window's gonna fly open and then we'll be in each others arms again sharing kisses so warm and love so deep that no one and nothing can tear us apart. I'm asking you with all my heart and soul to tear this place apart until you find me. My heart belongs to you and always will. I love you so much and as much as I want to I've come to the conclusion that I just can't let you go. I don't want to. I want you to tear this place apart and JUST FIND ME ALREADY I know we both made mistakes,making words fly like knives hitting our cores. Emotions were spilled like milk,but love always flew towards us both ways connecting us in a never ending evolution  of feelings and passion. So I'm asking from the bottom of my heart to tear that and this and that their place apart so that you can find me. Don't you worry I'm waiting --- just as I've been. Waiting for the truth to hit you.

 your forever patient lover 

If we must part forever,

Give me but one kind word to think upon,
To please myself with, while my heart's breaking.

I've never been this lonely.Now : moot point I'm not that old but this it feels like it's always been there ,it;s just been ,asked by other things. Now that things are gone it seems to just hover it seems to just seems to stand there sucking my soul . I miss all of them. I miss not being able to go back and fix everything that went wrong. Makes me want a drink real bad. Just something to ease up the pain but it seems like nothing can I just can't seem to climb this wall I mean I have friends I have a best friend and others Don't get me wrong I'm not a loner....ok well sometimes I am, I miss not having fun anymore. I miss just being myself, being able to let go of the load that stays on my chest, I miss having someone tease me and make me feel wanted. I hate always feeling like I have to cry all the time.  I hate in order for my self to be happy having to think of past memories they feel so old now...like I made them up. I hate having people tell me how I feel,whom I love . I'm just sick of trying to rise to what they want. I just want to be loved and happy is that so wrong?

I'm tired of feeling like this I just want all these feelings to go away and to stay away only coming when I need their warmth and security. I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL . I ONLY LOVED YOU BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME.... And for that I am truly sorry

'REGISTER'

Fuck this (excuse my language)

I can't seem to fit in.
I'm tried of this shit
(excuse my language)
I'm not trying to fit in
I'm trying to stand out
I don't wanna be normal
I want to be seen
I want to be heard
to be loved
to be cared for
to be listened to
I'm done with this shit (excuse my language)
I just want to be me....
Is that bad?

For you

Dear Obession of the HEart,
 I can't seem to control myself, this lust seems to control me. I honestly don't want to stop the feelings. I love the power you make me feel. I love the way you make me feel loved when no one else does,even if your made up of our old summer memories,wishes,and hidden feelings....you feel so ALIVE. Don't go away please. I love you. A lot and it's not going away. In every guy I see I see you. I feel your touch,your kiss. Your hands. Your smile. Your laugh. I feel you when I'm cold and lonely. I feel you when I'm scared. I feel you when I need someone. I need you. Come back?

we could've had it all We could've hit a home run You rained on my parade .. And then you ran away.

Just think

Nothing last forever. Not good times or memories or thoughts. They may last in your mind but they don't last in the real world forever, the world moves on with time and space. We all travel at different roads and nothing is always going to stay the same. We have to be thankful of the days that we have in  this world and make them all count because we never know when our last day is.

No hope

It seems that every time I try to find something that makes me happy something that i think i can call my own it gets taken away told its dangerous told im nothing always am nothing never will be anything . I'm told that things that are bad that happen to me are good that I have no right to anything good. it seems like to no avail is there hope. There is no hope for me,no not because  im bad but because I'm by myself.. does that make me a bad person for not wanting to be alone. It's not like i want to be but thats the way it is because being alone is just a way of me not getting hurt....but alas it doesn't work.. I really dont see my purpose in this world if i all have is music and loneliness and you blog. I feel so alone it's horrible it's thousand's of rocks crushing me every time i try to fight free. It's the tide coming back to pull me under. JOY.

Fate

 He's the one. I know it.

A change of heart...

Make a wish it's 1:23.. not that it ever comes true.

Lesson Number 2

today's lesson is simple. You can't always get what you want and you can't always fix what's broken.
 In life everyone has problems, but we always try to fix what we know is broken. We get upset at the fact that we can't always fix things that we want the most in that one time of our life. We will try and fix it so that we don't have regret ,so that we don't have that guilt or in some times have thoughts haunt us. Then there are the times when we admit the past and instead of trying to fix the issue at hand, we ignore it or try to suffocate it with memories of the future,we cloud our mind with things that don't matter but that will close up the empty space. Today I learned that trying to patch up old friendship's or trying to say sorry isn't always an easy process it takes time strength courage and more than enough patience. We have to sometimes accept the past for what it is and brace ourselves for the future....and for whatever comes are way.

Mistakes

When we were little arr parents always use to say corny things like be careful what you wish for, don't eat cookies before dinner,treat your friends nicely, and you'll always learn from your mistakes. You would think that having that hammered in your life you would know that it's either good or bad. But when you face it for yourself for that first time you don'[t really realize it that your doing something wrong or that you should try and fix it. You only just realize those special times and memories when there gone. You realize that you should have to be more careful with what you say how you make people feel and how you would like to be treated. You always say that things would never happen to you because your to special or too cool or other bull shit like that but it's a lie. Everything and anything can happen to ANYBODY it's not like the jealous bug goes around saying hmmm...who'd friendship should I break up today...?? and if their is please tell me because I'm going TO KICK THEIR ASS. In short today's lesson learned: don't except that your exempt from anything because when you do it'll happen to you.

The HIGHS and lows

I can't seem to wrap my head around things or for that matter get things out my head. I don't seem to be able to get him out my head my heart my mind my thoughts my dreams nothing. Everywhere I go he seems to follow me EVERYWHERE I'm not sure if this is love or obsession. I'm not sure what i feel at the moment I'm so confused , i want him around and then I don't I yearn for his touch and then I cringe at it, i love his voice and then hate the tone. I'm so confused that I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I love him and then I hate him.

The Roller Coaster

 One minute I feel like climbing a mountain,and the next I feel like I just fell down a cliff. I feel like crying sometimes...and then a moment later I wanna jump for joy! I'm not sure if this is in my head ( OH GOD am I crazy???) I never let all the tears come out only slither and drops....never full blown. Yet when I want the tears to come they never do. Why do I just want to drop out a window,why do I have to feel like this?,why  am I the blunt, The black sheep ,the crazy person in the family? Why can't I just be normal like everyone else and just relaxed and not stressed and tensed and hunched over all the time? why can't I just be the person I want to be and not the person that I am?? IT'S NOT FAIR!
.................................................. It's only fair that I feel his love <3...............................................................

It's not fair that I love him and that I don't know if he loves me back. Its not fair that I have to suffer this heavy burden on my back while  he walks free it's not fair I had to grow up with out him.... without his guidance with out his love and his care. It's not fair that I have problems IT's not fair that I'm obsessed with my weight nut I'm scared to throw up. It's scary how I feel these things and only have people who don't take me seriously to tell them too. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!

This feeling of Love

To feel like this after so many weeks have gone by with nothing but a little low but somewhat high. Right now the moment sucks, wishing that I could just be free to feel and not have to worry about getting hurt. to learn to just get away with how I feel about him and to be open to Lovve  <3 that come from other people except ...that I can't I'm trapped keeping myself closed like a clam shell so that no one can touch the precious Jewel inside. i'm keeping myself  safe so that HE can have it and NO ONE else can! But of course I want to be free from him. This entry is more of a scattered thoughts then it really is a day.n It's how I feel bout him because truthfully. I'm still in love with him.

....

listening to songs and talking to friends with so many new things I should be happy right? I'm not not that I'm selfish or stuck up or anything I'm happy i have these things but im so lonely. It's like the whole in my chest seems to grow bigger every day no matter how much love and happiness it just seems to get bigger..and one day I'm not going to have the energy to fight it. I'm just going to let it overpower me and attack me. To swoop me like the ocean does the sand ,how a tiger does it's prey. I'm going to embrace it.

  That day is soon.

very.

Why bother?

Why bother trying to make new year promises...only to know that their not going to come true? Why bother trying to tell yourself  postive things when the negavtive seems to outweight the bad? Why bother telling your self not to wait when you know you'll never get it done? Why bother have people tell you things that make you feel worse when their trying to make you feel better? Why bother trying to smile when you want to cry? Why telling yourself to wait.....when you know it'll never happen? why bother?To make yourself feel good,to make yourself feel bad,sad,glad,mad,happy? Why bother getting your heart ripped out when your trying to find something that will make it all better again? Why bother?

I can never win

It seems like no matter how hard I try i can't seem to please anyone. If i love one I have to hate the other... Why can't they just grow up and stop being big babies.. Why does it always make it out like their about to kill each other when really they just don't know what the hell to do with themselves. Now I only know two parts of the whole story and to be quite frank I don't give a shit about the rest because I'm tired of it. Why can't they just grow up? Now readers I ask you : What would you do? Two people who were in love one turned deadly and the other naggy..now that's marriage for you but still.... What would you do to fix the promblem? Would you ignore it,Turn to the other side? Or just throw your arms up and scream FUCK THIS SHIT!! becasue thats what I'm on the verge of doing.