Heaven

Music is my life. It's the glue that holds me together when I begin to fall apart. It's the words that are so full and strong of expression and feeling that are sung out loud. Songs are the life in my soul that help lift me out of the hole I seem to have become. The words of songs are the light that seem to lead me into having faith. Without music I wouldn't be here. I would be so far in myself I would have no where to go. Music is never judging, never hating. Music is loving and kind, it's the balm to soothe my broken heart, My broken spirits. 

It seems to be the answer to my problems. 

I am an empty shell.

Lost in the sea of love

Never forgotten.

Never sure

In the dark ,

the honest stay pure

Light seeks out silence

who in returns emits fear

Touches are hard.

Laughs are quiet

Life will never be the same.

Selfishness

Reality comes and , That bitch hurts. 

She doesn't come to ease upon you she comes with a vengeance to destroy. She swoops upon you like the fucking king of darkness.  When we cry we always expect a certain  someone to be there. 

Someone to help us from hurting ourselves. 

Someone to help us get back on our feet.

 But when  the doors close on those people, we meet reluctance and fear. These two never give up and are the devils on your shoulders, egging you onto the road you know you shouldn't take.

It's alluring. 

Peaceful.

 Full of fields you can frolic to your hearts fucking desire.

  All the songs talk about how they need you so much and how they realize they can't live without you. Yet do they ever care to think about the other persons feelings and how they might not have wanted it to end?


No

 The person is so fucking selfish that they cant see that they lost the chance of a true friend. People are so fucking un-happy because they realize 

what they have when its gone. 

They finally remember the importance of having someone to count on , someone to comfort them. But when they do realize it, then they come to the thought that they didn't need the person at all. They needed the thought of the person. They needed the one they thought that was going to be there,the one inside their head saying " I'll always be there for you." " WE will ALWAYS be together."

what a big fucking lie. 

to both parties.

I shouldn't be here.

I really fucking hate them!

I should just give up sometimes...

I no longer love trust him.

I'm not talking about one of those guys who always seem to break my heart/ I'm talking about the one I was in before I knew myself, the one who grossly carried me until I found my way here. He has finally for the last time betrayed my trust and my love. He can't come back from this anymore. The damage is done. This SHIT only happens in the fucking books and movies. Why does it have to happen to me? Why do I find out from someone that's not him. It seems again that reality has in fact come to bite me in the ass and attack my spirts. Suicide has no life for me, yet Living doesn't either. My hole is coming back to swallow me up, attacking me with the force of despair and pain. I can't  won't  let this continue to break me. I had to draw the final line in crossing me. There is only so much that I can put myself out there before saying '' fine world you win''. I always said that would never happen that I would remain strong no matter what...

Lets Have Faith?

It feels like everything that I every wanted,everything that I ever had is going to disappear....what if things do? I mean its not like the things I love and the things I want ever stay with me. They all  though some are longer and some are quicker disappear from me, which is just reality's way of saying " hey bitch just thought you should know I'm still here and im gonna fuck you up."  I dont want to give up but there doesn't seem to be a point in fighting anyway. Everything I do im terrified to , putting my faith in something but ultimately knowing that life will just knock me down isn't something that makes me want to jump into it.

Sometimes I just want to sink.

Hoping

Its like none of you even ever existed. You were all just a part of my mind, a figment to ease some of the burdens. I've lost the glue that holds me still and strong. I've been fighting to reach the top of my mountain but it seems impossible every little thing seems to phase me, as much as i try to not let it get the best of me i cant help but do the latter. it seems like whenever I want to hold onto something to keep it close and safe, it chooses to go away,and then when i don't want something its a burr in my sock that forever holds onto me. I can only take but so much and my limit hasn't been reached but at the same time i don't want to have tested my limit. 

Who knows what I'll really do then?

I'm not getting anywhere in life. I can't blame anyone for my reasoning...
 its just that.....

 I don't know what to do with myself anymore. 

Publishing things dont really have an effect on me. Sure I may never understand why things happened. Or  then again ...maybe I do. But the fact of the matter is that I want someone else to know what happened. There are always two sides of a story and this is just mine. It doesn't mean my side is less "politically correct" then his. It just means this is how I look upon the things that I see. Its not a big cause as to why I think, its more of a cause as to HOW I FEEL. No one gives a big fuck about how I feel and I must say that it pisses me the fuck off. Like table flipping fucking mad. Go ahead and spite my language spite my image but dont spite my feelings. That's the closest fucking things you will ever get to knowing me.

You lost your faith

I lost my friend.

appearance is deceiving

Lies always have truth

truth always has lies.

 I'm losing my faith in everything. You helped me become the person I am today. Your the jelly to my peanut butter sandwich....

The weight of the world feels like its on me. Before you were there to help me carry it, to walk me through the tough times. We planed the world. We did. What happened? Did we REALLY lose our faith with each other. I guess if I lie to myself enough I can somehow mange.

 But 

there's always the what if's.. 

You and I both know. 

They tend to not be in my favor....

 I lost you didn't I?

(sarcasm)

Why fight for something thats going to hurt?
We can't say love
We don't know what that is.
We can't say hate.
Why would we do it then?
What can we say?
What explains why we do what we do?
Do we THINK that by telling ourselves that...
we care
we love
and
we hate.

that everything will make sense and everything will be better?
I'm tired of trying to find out why you do what you did.
I just want this to be over
Call me selfish
that's what i am .
No lies
The truth
Tell me
I don't why I fought for you that way.
YOU didn't even care.

I wonder if revenge is the right thing?
is it better to just let things go?
I can't forget you.
I can't hate you.
I Love you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I FUCKING hate YOU!
and yet....

I still love you.

How would it feel to die?

Would it be peaceful?

I have no fucking idea because well, I'm alive. I wonder how it would feel. I could only imagine it. It must be so easy. So peaceful. You wouldn't have to worry about the stress of life. The stress of acceptance. The fear of life. The fear of acceptance. Life well Death would be calm. Like a river flowing down a hill. I wish sometimes I knew how it felt. To be able to feel how things are... I mean whats the point of being down here on earth? In the end we leave everything behind and nothing comes with us but us. I could sacrifice the things I have on earth for eternal peace.

Wouldn't you?

i just know I'm gonna find out ...

every line starts to crack.

Faith

Nights like this are hard. When your mind is full of questions, your heart is full of feelings and your brain is in a pool of memories... things get well...Hard.
I mean I guess we all have to deal with things...But seeing people you told your life story to live with out you is well HARD. How do you function with seeing them and not having them? How can you feel comfortable? Really? How can you put your trust in someone knowing they may take your faith against you....again? Well you said it. It's not easy, in fact it's quite HARD. I guess you have to just believe that another person isn't always going to betray you...but how do you know that? You can't read peoples minds to see what they really think, you have to go with what they say..and sometimes that's not even true.

friends are once in a lifetime

without them life is over.

Done.

Torn

I can't run from my issues anymore.

I can't put things in bottles and let them sail.

I can try

I have tried.

That's when I forget them, they come back.

Its always the little memories, the smallest things can trigger tears. 

tears that should be

 lost 

gone away .

I try to be strong 

to say that things don't phase me...

when in fact

their ripping me apart

I pray that things will get better that somehow I can find a will to

survive 

Find me, oh saint, I'm bending, breaking at my knees, praying

I've exposed, this earth has taken pride in seeing my most vulnerable state

-woe, is me